


Rafael's Journey

by w_s



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bisexual Barba, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Pre-Cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2016-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-13 19:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7983022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_s/pseuds/w_s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look through the years as Rafael Barba struggles with his sexuality</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rafael's Journey

**Author's Note:**

> I tried something new and I'm not really sure about it so I thought I'd put it up on here and see what you all think. Please please comments - let me know if you did or did not enjoy it!

*For this purpose Rafael Barba is 46 years old – born in 1970  
Rafael Barba is nine years old when someone first calls him a “queer.” He is walking home from school alone because Eddie got detention when four boys a few years old than him from the public school surround him. They ask for his money but he has none. They push him and he can’t help it but tears fall from his eyes. They call him a queer, they throw him to the ground, he feels their kicks on his ribs and he tries to stop crying but he can’t. One of them spits on him as they walk away. He isn’t entirely sure what a queer is but he knows that he doesn’t want to be one. He does not tell anyone what happened.  
\---  
Rafael Barba is twelve years old when he first hears about AIDS except he doesn’t hear it called that. His mother is watching the news one evening while he does homework at the kitchen table. He hears the newscaster report that there was another large outbreak of the disease that is killing homosexual men. His mother scoffs and hears her mutter “disguisting.” Rafael goes back to his homework. He knows what a homosexual is now and he knows that he does not want to be one.  
\---  
Rafael is fourteen years old the first time he kisses a girl. Eddie’s parents are not home for the weekend and instead of his older brother watching Eddie he buys them a case of cheap beer and goes off to his own party. They invite classmates over. They drink cheap beer and eventually play spin the bottle. The bottle does not land on Rafael for a while and he is secretly relieved. Then Hannah, one of the girls in his grade, spins and it lands on Rafael. He swallows hard before their lips touch. He realizes that he likes kissing her. Rafael is relieved.  
\---  
Rafael is fifteen years old when he first kisses a boy. Eddie’s cousin, Javier, is visiting New York from Miami for the summer. Javier is outgoing, funny and loves to dance. Javier is like no one that Rafael has ever met. Rafael wants to spend all of his time with Javier. Rafael’s mother warns him that there is a reason Javier’s parents sent him to live with their Abuela for the summer. That Javier’s parents wanted to get him away from his friends down there. She never says why but Rafael knows. No one ever talks about it but Rafael knows. One evening Rafael and Javier are sitting at the park and Javier leans over and kisses Rafael. Rafael likes it but hates that he likes it. Rafael goes home and tells no one. Rafael cries himself to sleep that night.  
\---  
Rafael is sixteen years when he first goes to a gay bar. Rafael takes the train into the village and even though he barely looks sixteen the bouncer does not look at his fake ID. The club is small, crowded, loud and hot. It wasn’t until he is inside the bar that he realizes he does not know what to do there. He stands near the wall until someone offers him a drink. He has only ever had beer and this drink looks like Coca-Cola and something that smells like what his father drinks. He takes a drink and finds he likes it. The man motions for him to follow him to a lounge which is quieter. They talk and Rafael’s head starts to spin. The man moves closer. Rafael moves away. The man grabs him and tries to kiss him. Rafael tries to move away again but the man will not let go. Suddenly, another man interrupts them. Rafael does not know how he is so messed up after one drink but he barely knows what is going on. The other man gets the first man to leave and leads Rafael outside. The man asks Rafael if he is okay but it is clear he is not. He calls Rafael a cab and gives him money for it. He tells Rafael he is just a kid and to not come back. Rafael gets home, goes straight to his room, and cries.  
\---  
Rafael is seventeen year old when he falls in love for the first time. He would do anything for her. He is so happy when she agrees to go out with him and devastated when she breaks up with him only four months later. He buys her flowers he can’t afford and writes embarrassing love letters but she has moved on. Rafael is heart-broken but he is relieved because he loves her and not a man.  
\---  
Rafael is eighteen years old and one week away from going off to Harvard when he loses his virginity. Afterwards, Yelena lies on his chest. He kisses her forehead. He is sure they will make it even after he leaves for school. Rafael knows he wants her and no one else. Rafael tells himself it was a confused phase before. He loves women. He loves Yelena.  
\---  
Rafael is nineteen years old and part way through his second semester at Harvard when the call he has been dreading comes. The conversation is short. Yelena simply tells him that it is not working. He says it is fine but it is not. He goes out with his roommate that night and gets uncharacteristically drunk at a frat party. He meets a friend of a friend – David. David walks him home. Rafael kisses David. David pulls away and tells him that it is because he is too drunk for this, kisses him on the cheek, and leaves.  
\---  
Rafael is twenty-three years old when things with David officially end. For years they have been hooking up on and off but David is finally done with that. David tells him that it will not work – not like this. David needs more. Rafael cannot give it to him. Rafael tells himself it is time to stop this. It is time to stop being a queer.  
\---  
Rafael is thirty six years old and working for a private law firm when one of his old classmates from Harvard, Rita, is hired. One night they are working late on a particularly difficult case and Rita kisses him. She says she needs to blow off steam. He agrees. For about a year they blow off steam once in a while until Rita moves to a new firm. Rafael does not know if he should be disappointed.  
\---  
Rafael is forty years old when he officially swears off relationships though he has not had more than a few awkward dates and some one night stands every few months. Sometimes his one night stands are women and sometimes they are men. He never feels better the morning after no matter what the gender of his hook up. He has just started working for the DA’s office in Brooklyn and he tells himself that he needs to focus on work but relationships. He tells himself he does not need a relationship with anyone – a man or a woman.  
\---  
Rafael is forty-three years old when he starts working for Manhattan SVU and is given the Jeremy Jones case. As he tells Olivia Benson that he wants to prosecute him for a hate crime she looks at him shocked. She asks him if he is homophobic and he tells her of course not. Rafael wonders if he could have been one of Jones targets. He may not be married but he is closeted and, despite his best efforts, still finds himself at bars sometimes. Even though he rarely goes home with someone he wonders what would have happened if he met Jones under different circumstances. He does not tell Olivia any of this.  
\---  
Rafael is forty-six years old when Detective Sonny Carisi kisses him. It is unexpected, awkward and lovely. They are standing outside the bar where Dodd’s wake was held. After sharing their third shot Rafael says he needs to go home. Carisi waits outside with him for security car arranged to pick him up. They are not even talking before Carisi leans it. It is over as fast as it began but Rafael doesn’t want it to end. The security car arrives and Rafael leaves – confused.  
\---  
Rafael is forty-six years old when he first says the words aloud. He is sitting on Sonny’s couch watching some dumb comedy movie that the detective suggested. It is the first time they have spent time together since the kiss. Sonny has his arm around Rafael. “I’m bisexual.” Rafael finally says. Sonny grins, “Okay.”  
\---


End file.
